Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, Maraya. It is not easy to be vulnerable and I applaud your courage. I also commend your insight and thoughtful journey into your own grief.
When a central figure like a matriarch dies, it is not uncommon for the family ties to loosen. That would have been hard enough to bear, but the MAGA infection of your brother's and cousin's hearts is just such an awful circumstance to pile on top of that.
I do understand why your grief would rise up to grip you anew after you went to McDonald's. I miss my father deeply when I have any kind of congestion. Whenever anyone in the family would have a cold, my dad would make aglio e olio, (garlic and oil) which we grew up pronouncing with a bastardized Sicilian accent.
It would clear the sinuses and rev up the immune system and keep everyone else away from you so they wouldn't catch your cold. 
Just thinking about my father preparing all the spices in a heavy cast iron skillet brings home the memory of being cared for.
You deserve to be cared for, Maraya. And you deserve to live as your true, authentic self without fear of judgment or rejection.
As I have said, my heart is with you.
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