Am I really not finding help

[gwheezie]

Or am I avoiding pain? I don't know. I really think I'm not finding help but I admit to the possibility I could be avoiding dealing with what I think is a kinda complicated set of feelings about the death of my husband.
The grief counseling I have available to me is through the hospice my husband was briefly connected to that is in the system where I work and the care he got was poor bordering on torture. Plus the office I'm supposed to go to is 65 miles one way from my home and they are not available after 4 pm which is more than difficult to get to.
When I called to ask if there was something closer to me she gave me a hotline number that turned out to be a contest to win a trip. My suspicion that this hospice is a joke had been confirmed. So I do have anger issues. But again I am considering that Iau be avoiding pain.
My other avenue was finding a support group but can't seem to find one local to me. There are pet bereavement groups closer. I almost think if I don't refer to tom as my husband and let people assume he was my cat, I might be able to unload some of this anger. But again I admit the anger may be an easier emotion to deal with than the crushing loss of someone I loved.